The good news is that the Terminex guy tells me “the chemicals” are usually very effective against camel crickets. The bad news is that he also tells me that, for the next 10 to 14 days, I should expect to see “increased activity” until “the chemicals” are fully effective. If by “activity” he means “Linda moving into the Marriott,” he’s right – if the occurrence of three-inch wide, eight-legged insects jumping from wall to floor and back again looks like it's on the upswing, I am soooooooo out of here.

Back story: over the past two weeks, as the weather has cooled, I have seen about five camel crickets in my house. They’ve either been scuttling across the floor or hunched in doorways, regarding me balefully. My neighbors tell me this is normal this time of year, but I still don’t love it. I’ve developed a good technique – I grab a throw rug from the kitchen, and, holding it in front of me like a shield, I cautiously approach the invader and then WHOMP! I throw down the rug and stomp on it to the point of certain pulveration. Then I leave it sit overnight to make sure the cricket is dead. The next day, I gingerly peel the rug up off the floor, make a yick face, and scrape the remains onto a magazine with a table knife.

And it was going OK until the granddaddy of all camel crickets made an appearance in the threshold of my kitchen one night as I was doing dishes. If this thing had fur, I would’ve thought it was a mouse – that big, no kidding. So I used the larger throw rug, did some extra jumping up and down, and the next day called Terminex.

Terminex Guy wanted to know if I had pets, children, or was possibly pregnant, double checked me on the possibly pregnant, then assured me the chemicals were perfectly safe. Oh, and I can’t mop the floor for at least a week. Not that I care about safety  – I told him he should spray the chemicals down the heating vents, but he refused since that would cause poisonous vapors to fill the house. I told him that’s kind of what I was going for, and I could stay with friends for a few days – but he still wouldn’t do it. So at least the edges of my home are toxic, as proven by the dead camel cricket currently lying by the front door. He also told me he found a bunch of the crickets hanging out right under the basement steps, and they were probably just sliding in under the basement door. Which is why, after he left, I sealed the door with blue painting tape. In 10 to 14 days, I’ll take it off.

Unfortunately, I’m going to need to get down there before then – my Christmas decorations are in the basement. Over lunch today, I related the Ballad of the Terminex Guy to Dutch, who was (of course) amused – Dutch catches these things in his bare hands and feeds them to his turtle. (Note on the turtle – I liked it until we saw it eating the remains of another turtle in the tank. He had finished consuming one leg and was working on another. Cannibalism - blech. Dutch loves his turtle, though, so I would never tell him I think it’s creepy and evil. Anyway.) Dutch kindly volunteered to venture down and retrieve my decorations, but I declined – I feel like such a wimp, needing him to do stuff like that for me.

So today I focused on shopping for new decorations. Not wanting to spend much, I started at Costco, which had large pre-lit trees for several hundred dollars (no) and 9 foot sections of pre-lit fake pine garland for $17.99 (no). The trip wasn’t a total waste, since I did find the perfect gift for Ann and I now have enough Hershey Kisses to last till the Reckoning, but decorations – not so much. Next, I went to Best Buy and scored new speakers to replace the ones my friends had blown. (Dutch blew one a couple of months ago, and the Boston contingent blew the other last weekend. It’s a small price to pay to hang out with these people.) I also got a new Harry Connick Jr. Christmas CD to play on them. Best Buy isn’t known for its Christmas decoration selection, and sure enough they weren’t selling any, so I went over to Michael’s.

Unlike Best Buy, Michael’s is known for its Christmas decoration selection, and I rapidly hit sensory overload from all the shiny red and gold displays as soon as I walked in the door. Once oriented, I found what I was looking for – a 6 foot tall, skinny fake tree, perfect for sitting next to my front door. Michael’s appeared to have sold the last boxed tree from its inventory, so I picked up the display version and marched all 72 inches all over the store as I looked for ribbon and a cheap tree skirt. Eventually, I had everything I needed in hand, and I pulled into checkout – only to be told they could not sell me the display because they might get more trees in stock.

Puzzled, I asked why they couldn’t just make a fresh display from one of the newly arrived trees, if/when they showed up. Also, I added, they were in the business of selling things, and here I was, wanting to buy something – it seemed like a good fit to me. The poor cashier. I really did feel for her. She even went to talk to the manager for me – so although I couldn’t quite let go of my amazement, and continued to express it to her in new and increasingly eloquent ways, I also did reassure her that I knew it wasn’t her fault.

Filled with disappointment, I drove down to A.C. Moore in hopes of finding a replacement tree – and found not one, but two (6 feet and 4 feet) for the same price I would’ve paid for the other one. (Take that, Michael’s!) As I carried them toward the cashier, blinded by the screen of faux aspen branches poking my face, I nearly ran down two women who immediately exclaimed "oh, you found your tree!" -- yes, these were the women who had been standing behind me at the Michael's checkout as I left my poor Charlie Brown tree behind. "We felt so bad for you!" they said. What is it about the Christmas season that makes every purchase a mission? I was NOT going home without a tree, and they completely got that. Elated, I drove home and spent a good hour bending all the branches into place. Now it just needs the big scarlet bows – I’ll think about that tomorrow.

Right now, I’m relaxing as I meet the Fockers (Dustin, Barbra – what were you thinking??) and in a minute I’ll be curbing my enthusiasm. I’m happy to say that there has been no unexpected movement in the room while I’ve been sitting here, and I’m starting to let down my guard a bit. I do hear odd clicking sounds occasionally and I imagine large crickets out in the front room, jumping and landing, jumping and landing… but I try not to think about that.